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Okay so my doctor told me I should keep a journal.

Hmmm... For those of you that already know me, that sounds like an easy task for someone who likes to write and or talk until the cows come home! Funny though...not so easy. Dunno why? Odd really.

I have often said that I've felt 'inspired' when I actually write poetry or other "stuff" of note. It's true. I have never come away from a writing binge and felt like it was ME that has done the writing...not even when I have been 'commissioned' to write for certain events or people and it's been actual WORK to get words down.

I do hold words in high esteem though...I have many phrases, mainly inspirational and spiritual, hanging as 'art' around my home. I find the constant reminders to "Stay Calm and Carry On" (THAT one courtesy of mom, but I absolutely love LOVE it!); "The Journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. (a ukn); "When you're down to nothing, God is up to something" (a ukn); "Hope"; "Faith"; "Love"; and my new fav "Family Rules...." hanging in the basement kitchen! Somehow I'm beginning to think that just maybe I am a wee bit worried about forgetting who and what I am - ?

The days are long as a parent of three - any parent can attest to that. I am trying to do my best to keep up with the craziness of what I like to call my life while balancing a calmer, more together life for my kids. As Craig Ferguson would say to that, "I look forward to your e-mails!"

I would love to sit here every night and create memorable writing (it's better understood as 'bitching'), but that's just not in the cards most days. To write takes some kind of insane clarity...in order to achieve that, one must have at least 2 brain cells left over by 9pm that are not overwhelmed with smelly diapers, cleaning this mess, cooking that dinner, checking agendas for homework, helping with said homework, negotiating what you would believe to be world peace within the confines of our address and then shuffling everyone off to bath and bed in time for another episode of 'What Happened to my Clean Kitchen Now!?' As I said, most days I finish a has-been CEO, reduced to a pile of mush by the relentless union of testosterone beings I'm charged with entertaining.

Journal writing? Ha! I guess I could start that if I got a voice recorder to use while L and I sit with our bottle of red on a Friday night! That Friday night girl time is all I have, and do I ever look forward to it every week! Don't get me wrong, the wine I could (maybe) sometimes do without ;) It's the girl infusion that's necessary for me to keep my head on straigh(ish).

Something else I had better make clear now after a quick thought - I DO love my family! My 4 boys are my life and my biggest blessings after mum. I believe this is how my life was meant to unfold, although somehow it feels incomplete without a daughter. I am beginning to wonder if one day she will just walk into my life instead of starting in my womb. There have been a few already that have stolen my heart - one that we thought seriously about adopting and one that I'm sure was needed somewhere else before her time had truly begun with us....

Per usual, I digress...my boys. Yes, my amazingly beautiful and talented boys. God gave me three healthy and vibrant souls to care for. He entrusted D & I with His utmost prized posession, His children. What an honour!

I needed to pause there for a minute - take a deep breath and see my three sons in my mind's eye...I, who I believe saved me from myself, then M&N, who have pushed me to the limits of self-discipline and understanding. I quit smoking when I found out I was having I. Cold turkey - just did it. He saved me from myself. M&N as twins and individuals challenged me and continue to do so beyond what I thought I was capable of. Then there's D, the unsuspecting rock. The man behind the woman (wink, wink!) He somehow always believed in us - in me - and has let me be me, the good, the bad and the ugly...but he always maintained that whatever the roadblock seemed to be, it was just a bump in the road and things would be fine. Thank God for D. There were times when I was a train wreck; an honest-to-goodness mess and a half. A type 'A' personality, a 'Leo'...you name it, I had all of the ingredients of a perfectionist and control freak but I was trying to live that in a life that had no sense of direction nor control! You can just imagine what that did to me...to us. D had some issues as well, and let me tell you, combined they were leathal to our relationship - we were a bomb waiting to explode!

Then mom's cancer happened. Yeah. Just when things were horrible, we got the whammy! My best friend and mother was told to put her life in order. Wow. Our lives have NEVER been the same. I can now say I don't want them to be. Mom's physical, mental and emotional sacrifices forever changed my outlook on all of my relationships, from aquaintances to family to myself and everywhere inbetween. Those two years of our lives brought something back to life in the deepest darkest places in my heart. Never would I have guessed that facing that loss would make me the person I am becoming today. I'm beginning to find myeself again - the Julie that was, but with more experience and hopefully some knowledge picked up along the way to change things up a bit for the better.

Having to face the devastating repercussions of chemo...having to explain to my 9 and 7 year-olds what was happening to gramma - was incredible. There wasn't time for anything else. People pitched in and helped...friends, neighbours, family...D's quiet support was undeniably my saving grace. He allowed me to find my way through the pile of emotions that hit me almost daily...losing my mom meant the end of the mother-daughter era for me with no daughter to reclaim that relationship with...mom is my best friend AND my mother...so many things tossed around my tired head and all the while I was trying to do everything I could to keep a smile on my face for the kids and for all outward appearances. I have seen the worst of the worst times through with mom. ICU and the surprises after surgery, the evil effects of chemo...screams of defeat and tears of joy...and through all of that, D stood in the sidelines, waiting to pick of the pieces of who I was and try to hold on until the storm passed. And it did. And so did he.

Now on literally the eve of the celebration of mom's 2nd year surviving what we thought was to be her last 6mos., a rude awakening to shock us back into reality. What so wholly controlled our lives and made us painfully aware of our fragility had slowly taken a back seat to moving on, until today. The other week, mom's good friend was diagnosed. J went through the usual string of appointments and procedures, then we thought things were looking up last week. Today changed everything...for us all. J's cancer is stage 3 and agressive. Chemo & radiation.... Mom called me and was almost unable to speak at times. I haven't heard that painful sobbing since October of 2010. I asked because I knew it was the right question - "Are you upset because it's J or because you know what she has to face?" The answer of course was both, but the latter first. Now I find myself zoning out as I did two years ago this Thursday...my thoughts already going to how I can help mom get through this and now also how if at all can I help J's family?

We begin again. Something still needs to be learned, or something has yet to be shared...or both. Yes, both. I am back to appreciating my life and am in a much better place than before cancer was such a big part of our lives, but this new situation will not let me rest. Appreciating, really truly receiving God's gift of life is selfless. It's not about what we want for ourselves or what we can accomplish in a large-scale way, but rather the small things that begin a ripple effect of change.

Pause for thought again. Yup. I got there. I got to where I needed to be tonight. As always, there is so much more to say, but for tonight, I'm there. The bucket is empty. Now to sleep - while I can think about life's twists and turns and yet smile in the face of adversity. Just another bump in the road....g'night, God Bless.

Heaven - originally written January 30th 2003...

...for you, my angel Grace - you inspire me.
love always, mommy.

I used to think heaven was 'up'
It's not up, it's everywhere.
Heaven is what you want it to be.
It's everywhere you want it to be.
Heaven is in my arms when I hold my child close.
Heaven is in my heart when I look at my loving spouse.
Heaven is all around when I see children playing in the park.
Heaven is a part of me when I can say I love who I am.
It's everywhere and nowhere, all at once.
It's like the fluttering of wings next to your ear as you sleep;
Or the peacefulness from a wonderful dream;
Or the wonderment of the world around when you see through your child's eyes.
It's as inexplicable as the word 'love'
But it is, always was, and always will be.

written for Britannia Public School Teachers & Staff...Teacher Appreciation Day, October 5th, 2011

Celebrating teachers who are always there

Giving our children the utmost care

Inspiring minds to push the limits

While saying modestly, "there's nothing to it"

Positive, respectful and enthusiastic ways

To fill their minds, their hearts and their days

As parents we are proud and happy to know

Our students will reflect that wherever they go

Your hard work and diligence make it look so smooth

Planning and always working on things to improve

But truthfully we know that a teacher's life is hard

So now it's time to give you a report card

For your committment to Britannia, always an "A"

The same for your patience with parents some days

An "A" for your encouragement and nurturing style

For your insight and for going that extra mile

We know you care about us as we do you

No other teachers can do what you do

You make us love school, both young and old(er)

Now that's a report card not meant for a folder

Wear it with pride because you're one of a kind

A better place than Britannia you'll never find

Learning is for Life and Life is for Learning

And soon enough, for these days we'll be yearning

It has been said that great schools have great teachers

It's no secret that's one of our school's great features

So hat's off to you, our wonderful teachers and mentors

For choosing the job that you certainly were meant for

~ Celebrating our teaching staff is truly celebrating our children

Because what teachers bring to school is what our children bring home ~

written for Britannia Public School Teachers & Staff...Teacher Appreciation Luncheon, June 16th, 2011

"We are but caterpillars learning to live

And you, our teachers, are willing to give

The time and caring we need to grow

Until into a chrysalis we must go

But because of your wisdom and grace

We cocoon and emerge ready to face

The new challenges of the butterfly

When at last we must say good-bye"

...Thank you for all you give each day

To help our children learn and play

Our bond is as steadfast as it is true

Their future is brighter because of you...



Welcome Back Mommy...

April 13th, 2011...

In the days since I last wrote, which have been many, I have sat in turmoil and triumph from one minute to the next. I have tried valiantly to live for the moment - to stop and smell the roses, both figuratively and literally. I stopped working, not from choice but by design. I became once again the stay home mommy in search of herself....

Can you hear it? Trying to explain myself through words? "I" this and "I" that..? Funny, isn't it? Still lost in the shuffle....

Okay...begin again....

Today was a good day. There, a better beginning.

Enough with the negative...

There are times in our lives when we are labelled certain things. In grade school, teasing and bullying is quite a serious offence in the eyes of a principal. Reprimand is forthcoming and reflection is required. But adults don't respond to the same set of rules, do we? It has becomes okay to scorn others without forethought as to their situation or events surrounding their actions. We are quick to judge and it seems easy to toss people into categories that suit our social organizational tendencies. We compare ourselves as parents, compare what we have, what we do, how we live. Now, is there any wonder that our children do the same? Listen to your children, you will hear yourself. Where we fail ourselves, we are failing them. Being 'good' is not subjective, depending on how others around you behave.

I am suddenly aware that I am just as much a hypocrite as the rest of you. We are all guilty at some point, at some time, of judging others without cause, without full knowledge of the circumstances. It is not for us to judge. It is not for us to give 'solutions' or even to 'correct' someone's thinking. That is God's place and His only. It is our place to foregive, to accept we are all different, to find ways to push each other up, not destroy our sense of worth.

I say to those that have the wonderful tendancy to make me feel belittled and always wrong, however subconscious those comments or glances may be, that I have a goal, after many years, to take a stand against the constant soul destroying negativity. Funny how negativity has fostered negativity...but that chain must be broken. I chose to break it. How you respond is your business. I forfiet my hold on your negative influences and seek out those who I know will only help my soul to grow and find happiness.

Now, this does not mean I give up on the people that have brought that negativity to the forefront of my life (all the while casting a spell to make me think it was all my doing, and claiming to be completely positive themselves...look in the mirror...listen to yourself speak). I simply am going to try my best to not let the unsupportive responses to so much I say get under my skin. No hard task for this elephant! I remember too much detail for my own good...but I have to start remembering more of the good and leaving out the bad.

Okay, this has become somewhat of a personal rant...but a healthy one at that. Sorting through my thoughts and feelings before responding I believe is a better start than to fight back. That's what my grade school principal would have told me. Now, it's high time we all took a close look at how we treat each other, how we relate and how we give ourselves the right to judge. Think twice, speak once. And remember who is listening...for you will certainly hear your words come back to haunt you sooner or later...right mom?

Rose

There was a young girl on the pier. Tiny and delicate, her long blonde hair was blowing to the side of her tear-stained face as she stared out to sea. Her thoughts were instense and almost audible as they rushed through her mind. It was as if the wind could speak to her.

Dan watched her and became connected to her intensity from his seat by the beach.

The girl took the sea air in and her shoulders lifted and then dropped with her exhaled breath. Her gaze turned upwards as if for answers and her eyes closed tightly as more tears escaped from each side of her face again.

Drawn to her, Dan approached with caution. He didn't know if she was alone by choice or design, but he yearned to reach out and take her hand. Though a stranger, something about her saddened his heart - her broken spirit poured onto the pier like waves. Intent on finding out more, he gently stepped forward enough so that she would see him there, a few feet away, but slightly ahead of her. He tried to look casually at the sea swells and take them in, but now his position was precarious - if she had seen him, she hadn't acknowledged his presence, so he was left wondering what the next move would be. He could no longer see her expression to see if conversation was welcome. He knew he had to do something so as to not look obvious, so he stepped back and quietly whispered, "Oh dear, I am sorry. I didn't realize you were upset. Are you alright?"

Realizing the absurdity of his words in the sound of his own voice, his heart leapt through his chest. In an instant he went from being drawn in by this sad stranger to wanting to flee as fast and as far as he could. But he stood his ground. He couldn't decide whether it was sheer fear or compassion that kept him there, but he waited what seemed an eternity for the girl to answer.

She turned to him slowly, trying to hide her look of surprise at the invasion of her world. She was too distraught to be angry with him and sighed as she saw the look of terror on his face. She knew he was genuine and was both relieved and comforted. "I will survive" she muttered as the back of her hand wiped at her cheeks. She attempted a weak smile to show her gratitude. He gave her the same weak smile back and offered his name;

"Hi, I'm Dan. I'm sorry for whatever it is that has made you so sad. This is too beautiful of a place to be sad in."

"Agreed. It is wondrous. I love it here. I have since I was a kid." She turned to look up to him fully; "I'm Rose."

And suddenly, with the ease of a relationship that has borne the test of time, they began to talk. They shared their love for the seaside and what had brought them there. They strolled the beach and chatted until the sun fell low in the western sky. Dan felt renewed from his afternoon with Rose and pleased with himself that he had gathered enough nerve to speak to her, for he would have lost so much if he had simply turned away. As he was wondering what the next step would be, he saw something incredible. It was a tiny soft pink rosebud just beginning to bloom at the edge of the beach where the wild grass was growing. It was the perfect ending to a perfect day, he thought. He smiled and turned to Rose, "Wait here!" and ran to fetch the rose.

When he turned back, a proud and loving smile on his face, she was simply gone. The long beach was empty and the sun was setting over the horizon. There was nowhere she could have gone. Nowhere. Dan stared and searched, his eyes flying wildly over the sand and water. Then he stopped and looked down. What he saw next sent chills up and down his spine. The trail of footprints all across the beach - all the way as far as his eyes could reach - were single file. She had never really been there.

Racing back to his car, tears from both fear and frustration now stinging his face, he reached for his keys. As he ran, he fumbled with them and they fell to the ground. "Dammit!" he thought wildly. As he picked up his keys and reached for the car door he looked up to the pier again. He stopped just long enough to hear the wind talk to him. He swore he just about heard "Thank you" coming from the end of the pier somewhere, yet no one was there. A calmness washed over him and he even managed a smile. Rose, he thought. He took the rosebud he had plucked for her out of his pocket - now somewhat diminished in stature but just as beautiful and tossed it into the sea. "Take this with you" he said under his breath. Then he turned and headed home as the sun finally diappeared into the sea, leaving the pier in peaceful darkness.