Now What?

So I've sat so many nights, wanting to write but with the lack of mental clarity at such an hour to do just that. Life is so full it seems with the day-to-day routines of being mom, employee, mom, babysitter, cook, tutor and sometimes even a cleaner and wife that the "me" in me seems to have receded into some dark and cobwebbed corner of my brain. Every now and again - now for instance - I have a flashback to being Julie, the creative and open-minded young woman that had so many things on her Bucket List...a journey to Africa to help in a village somewhere; a theatrical success roaming the continent and beyond, honing my craft as I went; a writer of novels, maybe screenplays...young and confident with the world as my oyster. But...where did my pearl go? I have only the shell, devoid of the riches.

My greatest pledge, most constant desire was to become a mother. Family was always at the heart of my life. When God blessed us with our children I felt overwhelmed with joy. Now my life would truly begin...I would have children to be accountable to and to be a role model for. I would make the most of life and show my children how to go after what they wanted out of life, how to live being God's child...or so I thought.

How quickly "life" takes hold of those dreams and desires. How quickly being the victims of the ecomomy and losing income and losing a child and having twins changed what I had always thought would be the beginning and became what felt more like the end of opportunity for me. This was it - what life had in store for me. Don't ever for a moment think that I am not grateful for my beautiful family, although it may come across as though it isn't enough, I do know how very blessed I am...every day God reminds me of that.

No, it was a turning point for "Julie" the person, the adventurer, the ever-optimistic and confident woman that screeched to a halt with the suddeness of massive responsibility and reality of  'every day life' becoming mine.... I wasn't prepared for that. I, in fact, was going to be different! I had plans! Still, here I was...amidst diapers and demands and dishes and laundry and grocery lists and tight budgets...I had become "the average stay-at-home mommy". What a blessing and a disaster all rolled into one....

I have spent years trying to find my way through the fog of parenthood and asserting my ability to think beyond the mere poopy diaper and salvaged some of my sanity through volunteer work at school and the church. However, the reality of my impending mid-life crisis came packed with a punch when faced with re-entering the workforce. Oh, I once again was blessed with a good opportunity to work around my boys' school schedule, but at what cost? Never before had minimum wage been mine...never before had I felt so mush like a fish out of water working at a desk. I needed more, deserved more. This was it - my crisis had begun.

Thinking back to when my own mother went back to work, I felt I had missed my calling and should have completed teacher's college - I of course didn't have that epiphany until volunteering one day at the school. I loved it there; I think I smile the most when in that school helping the kids.... My mom was fortunate enough to start back to work after almost 20 years at home as a Teacher's Aid in a day care. She quickly and deservedly became a cornerstone of that daycare with her background raising three children, babysitting and older more settled outlook on life. I started thinking, 'well, I should do my ECE now and follow those footsteps so I can be in that environment with children; maybe even use my office experience to become a director of a day care one day'. Then I researched the education...too expensive, and where on earth would the time come from to study? There simply aren't enough hours in a day!

Next, I thought about adding my resume to the pile that get submitted to the board offices each week, but have been told it could take up to two years to ge noticed, if at all, then of course there are only temp positions at the entry level.... I feel too old to start so far down, besides which, I need an income. Am I sounding like a spoiled child yet?

Oh, there have been many other creative ideas that have sprung up over the past year...I would love to write stories and become a professional story-teller, or write for web-sites with the up and coming 'Mommy-Blogger' career boom...but seriously, what do I have to offer there? I know my kids, my life and I'm not even sure if I know myself so well any longer...what on earth could I write about that would be of interest? And never mind that I have no "credentials", no papers saying I have studied successfully the art of blogging or teaching or anything like that....

So here begs the question; now what?

This writing here is truly a random writing in the true sense of the words. I am blarting out everything as it has been cooped up in my head for too long and now needs to escape. I'm not really sure what of it all will make sense, nor am I concerned - to make a contemporary comparison, like a bad flu, I just want it all out of me...and onto a page (or screen as it were). 

Now, I go to church more now again, and have found a wonderful home in a local church that all five of us have connected to very quickly and easily. I am learning more about connecting with God and communicating with him and being who He wants me to be. Maybe that has to do with some of my panic. I want to be the best daughter to Him I can be, and I believe and feel so strongly that I am on the cusp of something huge, of finding my true place here and fulfilling His will for me. I truly feel that somewhere within breathing range is that 'sweet spot' that will make me happy, help my family and do some good 'out there'.... I can almost taste it, yet I can't sense the flavour.... My colourful past has brought me so much variety in experiences, I just can't pinpoint my path. I suppose many a God-like figure might say that I must exercise patience and wait for God to be ready for me, but patience like that has never been a virtue of mine. I do hope God understands as I would never mean to offend!

I really feel strongly about nurturing my writing and also my desire to be around children....I must I suppose wait for God to help clear the clouds away so that I may see my path more clearly.... I have so much to offer...somehow...some way....

Ahhh, there it is - complete. 'Brain drain'. I may feel no closer to my destiny, but I definately feel further from my uncertainty!

Now for a cup of my new favorite cup of herbal tea and some rest for this weary head! If you happened to read through this posting (and made it all the way through to this statement), please feel free to comment with your suggestions or comfort from familiar experiences!! I believe everything happens for a reason, so if you've made it this far in this post, maybe it's because you have something to say too!!