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Okay so my doctor told me I should keep a journal.

Hmmm... For those of you that already know me, that sounds like an easy task for someone who likes to write and or talk until the cows come home! Funny though...not so easy. Dunno why? Odd really.

I have often said that I've felt 'inspired' when I actually write poetry or other "stuff" of note. It's true. I have never come away from a writing binge and felt like it was ME that has done the writing...not even when I have been 'commissioned' to write for certain events or people and it's been actual WORK to get words down.

I do hold words in high esteem though...I have many phrases, mainly inspirational and spiritual, hanging as 'art' around my home. I find the constant reminders to "Stay Calm and Carry On" (THAT one courtesy of mom, but I absolutely love LOVE it!); "The Journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. (a ukn); "When you're down to nothing, God is up to something" (a ukn); "Hope"; "Faith"; "Love"; and my new fav "Family Rules...." hanging in the basement kitchen! Somehow I'm beginning to think that just maybe I am a wee bit worried about forgetting who and what I am - ?

The days are long as a parent of three - any parent can attest to that. I am trying to do my best to keep up with the craziness of what I like to call my life while balancing a calmer, more together life for my kids. As Craig Ferguson would say to that, "I look forward to your e-mails!"

I would love to sit here every night and create memorable writing (it's better understood as 'bitching'), but that's just not in the cards most days. To write takes some kind of insane clarity...in order to achieve that, one must have at least 2 brain cells left over by 9pm that are not overwhelmed with smelly diapers, cleaning this mess, cooking that dinner, checking agendas for homework, helping with said homework, negotiating what you would believe to be world peace within the confines of our address and then shuffling everyone off to bath and bed in time for another episode of 'What Happened to my Clean Kitchen Now!?' As I said, most days I finish a has-been CEO, reduced to a pile of mush by the relentless union of testosterone beings I'm charged with entertaining.

Journal writing? Ha! I guess I could start that if I got a voice recorder to use while L and I sit with our bottle of red on a Friday night! That Friday night girl time is all I have, and do I ever look forward to it every week! Don't get me wrong, the wine I could (maybe) sometimes do without ;) It's the girl infusion that's necessary for me to keep my head on straigh(ish).

Something else I had better make clear now after a quick thought - I DO love my family! My 4 boys are my life and my biggest blessings after mum. I believe this is how my life was meant to unfold, although somehow it feels incomplete without a daughter. I am beginning to wonder if one day she will just walk into my life instead of starting in my womb. There have been a few already that have stolen my heart - one that we thought seriously about adopting and one that I'm sure was needed somewhere else before her time had truly begun with us....

Per usual, I digress...my boys. Yes, my amazingly beautiful and talented boys. God gave me three healthy and vibrant souls to care for. He entrusted D & I with His utmost prized posession, His children. What an honour!

I needed to pause there for a minute - take a deep breath and see my three sons in my mind's eye...I, who I believe saved me from myself, then M&N, who have pushed me to the limits of self-discipline and understanding. I quit smoking when I found out I was having I. Cold turkey - just did it. He saved me from myself. M&N as twins and individuals challenged me and continue to do so beyond what I thought I was capable of. Then there's D, the unsuspecting rock. The man behind the woman (wink, wink!) He somehow always believed in us - in me - and has let me be me, the good, the bad and the ugly...but he always maintained that whatever the roadblock seemed to be, it was just a bump in the road and things would be fine. Thank God for D. There were times when I was a train wreck; an honest-to-goodness mess and a half. A type 'A' personality, a 'Leo'...you name it, I had all of the ingredients of a perfectionist and control freak but I was trying to live that in a life that had no sense of direction nor control! You can just imagine what that did to me...to us. D had some issues as well, and let me tell you, combined they were leathal to our relationship - we were a bomb waiting to explode!

Then mom's cancer happened. Yeah. Just when things were horrible, we got the whammy! My best friend and mother was told to put her life in order. Wow. Our lives have NEVER been the same. I can now say I don't want them to be. Mom's physical, mental and emotional sacrifices forever changed my outlook on all of my relationships, from aquaintances to family to myself and everywhere inbetween. Those two years of our lives brought something back to life in the deepest darkest places in my heart. Never would I have guessed that facing that loss would make me the person I am becoming today. I'm beginning to find myeself again - the Julie that was, but with more experience and hopefully some knowledge picked up along the way to change things up a bit for the better.

Having to face the devastating repercussions of chemo...having to explain to my 9 and 7 year-olds what was happening to gramma - was incredible. There wasn't time for anything else. People pitched in and helped...friends, neighbours, family...D's quiet support was undeniably my saving grace. He allowed me to find my way through the pile of emotions that hit me almost daily...losing my mom meant the end of the mother-daughter era for me with no daughter to reclaim that relationship with...mom is my best friend AND my mother...so many things tossed around my tired head and all the while I was trying to do everything I could to keep a smile on my face for the kids and for all outward appearances. I have seen the worst of the worst times through with mom. ICU and the surprises after surgery, the evil effects of chemo...screams of defeat and tears of joy...and through all of that, D stood in the sidelines, waiting to pick of the pieces of who I was and try to hold on until the storm passed. And it did. And so did he.

Now on literally the eve of the celebration of mom's 2nd year surviving what we thought was to be her last 6mos., a rude awakening to shock us back into reality. What so wholly controlled our lives and made us painfully aware of our fragility had slowly taken a back seat to moving on, until today. The other week, mom's good friend was diagnosed. J went through the usual string of appointments and procedures, then we thought things were looking up last week. Today changed everything...for us all. J's cancer is stage 3 and agressive. Chemo & radiation.... Mom called me and was almost unable to speak at times. I haven't heard that painful sobbing since October of 2010. I asked because I knew it was the right question - "Are you upset because it's J or because you know what she has to face?" The answer of course was both, but the latter first. Now I find myself zoning out as I did two years ago this Thursday...my thoughts already going to how I can help mom get through this and now also how if at all can I help J's family?

We begin again. Something still needs to be learned, or something has yet to be shared...or both. Yes, both. I am back to appreciating my life and am in a much better place than before cancer was such a big part of our lives, but this new situation will not let me rest. Appreciating, really truly receiving God's gift of life is selfless. It's not about what we want for ourselves or what we can accomplish in a large-scale way, but rather the small things that begin a ripple effect of change.

Pause for thought again. Yup. I got there. I got to where I needed to be tonight. As always, there is so much more to say, but for tonight, I'm there. The bucket is empty. Now to sleep - while I can think about life's twists and turns and yet smile in the face of adversity. Just another bump in the road....g'night, God Bless.